[fic] Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match

[melissa_42]

Title: Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match
Characters: Lussuria, Ryohei/Hana, brief 8059 (it's barely even there)
Rating: PG for Lussuria's awesomeness
Prompt: khrfest Lussuria--Matchmaking; "Mama knows best!"
Word count: 1,162
Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! is owned by Amano Akira
Summary: Ryohei asks Lussuria for help in wooing Hana.

 

Toweling the sweat off his brow after a particularly grueling training session, Lussuria was debating whether he should take a shower or just touch up his hair when the question came out of the blue.

 

“Hey, Lussuria, do you know anything about relationships?”  The Vongola sun guardian looked at him thoughtfully.  A wicked grin spread across Lussuria’s face.

 

“Do I!”

 

“Well, there’s this girl…”  Oh, how cute!  He was blushing now; love did the boy well. He nodded encouragingly.

 

“See, I’m pretty sure we’re dating ten years in the future.”  The Varia boxer frowned—he’d never really understood the whole time travel business—and waited for him to continue.  “But I don’t think she even notices me.  How do I get her to like me?”  Ah, young love.  Well, even if Sasagawa wasn’t batting for the right team, the boy deserved some help.

 

“Leave it to me.  I’ll steer your cute little butt in the right direction,” he cooed, tapping the boxer’s rear end for emphasis.  Sasagawa backed away but kept his relieved grin intact.

 

“Thanks to the extreme!”

 

+++

 

The next day found Lussuria standing on the front stoop of the Sasagawa residence.  When Kyoko opened the door to invite him in, he heard her brother shouting from upstairs.

 

“Who is it, Kyoko-chan?”  The girl smiled politely at the guest.

 

“Nii-san, you have a visitor.”  Sasagawa took the stairs two at a time and grasped Lussuria’s hand in a bon crushing grip.

 

“Good morning!  Let’s discuss the, uh, business,” his eyes flickered briefly to his sister, “in the living room.”  Once they were comfortably seated with refreshments provided by Kyoko, Lussuria pulled out a notebook full of nearly illegible scribbles and quickly flipped through it.

 

“I’ve thought of a few tips to get you noticed by this girl of yours, but first I need to know a little more about her.”  Sasagawa nodded and leaned in conspiratorially.

 

“Her name’s Kurokawa Hana, she’s a year younger than me, doesn’t like kids, and is extremely beautiful.  Oh, and she’s my sister’s best friend.”  Lussuria stared at him.  Wouldn’t it have been easier to ask his sister for help?  No matter, it was time to work some magic.

 

“Good, good.  Well, first we need to do something about your image.”

 

“Image training? I’m extremely good at that!”  Sasagawa shouted, punching the air for emphasis.

 

“No, no,” Lussuria shook his head condescendingly; “I mean your looks.  Do you really think you can win her love when you always look like you just went for a ten kilometer run?”  The white haired boy stared at him blankly.  “We need to get you a different outfit.  Oh, and a new hairstyle.  I’ll be right back!” he chirped, waltzing out of the house. 

 

Within two hours he had returned with his favorite stylist in Japan.  Together they outfitted Sasagawa in tight leather pants (he’d politely declined Lussuria’s help with putting them on), a studded leather vest, and a new ‘do (“This is called gel.  You use it so your hair does not look like freshly cut grass”).  All in all, Lussuria thought he looked absolutely dashing.

 

“Report back to me as soon as you’ve talked to her.  Good luck, sweety!”

 

Apparently Hana was not of the same opinion—according to Sasagawa, he had left while she was still laughing uncontrollably.  He returned the outfit to Lussuria.

 

“But I think I’ll keep the gel.  Now Gokudera can’t call me lawn-head anymore!”

 

“Let’s try a different tactic.  It is a well known fact that women like men who are confident in themselves.” 

 

Sasagawa grinned. “I’m confident to the extreme!”

 

“No, no, no.  It doesn’t matter if you’re actually confident.  You just need to present yourself as such.  Now, let’s work on your swagger.”

 

+++

 

He stealthily followed Sasagawa to school the next morning in order to check on his progress.  Well, maybe stealthily wasn’t the right word—he attracted quite a few stares with his green hair and feather boa—but his prey didn’t notice him and that was all that really mattered.  He had been expecting a giggly airhead, but what he found instead was a cool, collected femme-fatale who spent exactly five seconds insulting Sasagawa for acting like a hooligan before stalking off.  If she had been a boy, he would have jumped her bones.

 

“OK, the way to a man’s—I mean woman’s heart is with romance.  And nothing is more romantic than a love song.  I have the perfect one, just memorize these lyrics and sing that girl’s ear off!”

 

+++

 

Maybe music wasn’t that best choice for Sasagawa, who sounded like a dying buffalo as he croaked out “When the moon hits your eye…” to a grimacing Hana.  That was OK because Lussuria had one more trick up his sleeve.

 

“Girls like gifts, especially ones that make them feel more beautiful.”

 

“So I should buy her a face mask like mom uses,” Sasagawa said, nodding understandingly.

 

“No, that would be a bad idea.  What I had in mind were flowers.” 

 

“But the box for the face mask says ‘Let Your True Beauty Shine.’  That’ll make her feel more beautiful to the extreme!”

 

Lussuria sighed in exasperation.  “No, just get her some flowers.”  He winked.  “Mama know’s best!”

 

“Well, there’s a flower shop in town.  I’ll go pick some up right now!”

 

After Sasagawa came sprinting back with a bouquet of red roses, which had been paid for through Lussuria’s Varia account—he was sure Xanxus wouldn’t mind—they headed to Hana’s house.  Lussuria gave the young suitor a thumbs-up and scurried to hide behind a telephone pole.  When the girl answered the door, Sasagawa was nervously scuffing his shoes on the pavement.  No, no, you’re supposed to look confident!  But wait, Hana was blushing now, and was that a small smile?

 

Yes, the kid definitely had this one in the bag.

 

+++

 

With one match under his belt, Lussuria felt the itch to continue with his newfound passion.  Setting up Squalo and the Vongola rain guardian looked like a promising prospect, until he passed by Sawada’s house a few days later on the way to meet Sasagawa for a training session.  The cow baby was throwing a tantrum in the front yard and Sawada was screaming like a fair maiden in distress, but what caught his attention were the other two boys.

 

The storm guardian, who looked like he was ready to shut the baby up with dynamite, was squirming in the rain guardian’s arms.  Their voices managed to carry over the ruckus.

 

“Let me go, you idiot!  I gotta teach this cow a lesson!”  Yamamoto just squeezed him tighter and chuckled out an “easy, easy,” at which the struggling boy’s face blazed scarlet with frustration.

With a quiet giggle and a smirk, Lussuria continued his route to the dojo.  They are obviously star-crossed lovers—they just don’t realize it yet.  And I’ll be the one to give them a push in the right direction!

Comments

[azurecerulean.livejournal.com]

LOL this is utter crack & I LOVE it!

As a side note, the photograph of the woman in TYL Ryohei's room in the anime seems to have shorter haircut than TYL Hana, so I'm not convinced that they will be a canon pair.

But oh well, who cares; your fic is lovely!

[melissa-42.livejournal.com]

Crack is fun to write XD


And I just assumed the women in the pic was TYL Hana since she had a similar pic in her room but with the man blurred out. Oh well, they're cute together ^__^

[eldritch-sun.livejournal.com]

Aw, this is cute! Ryohei and his beauty mask made me laugh :)
Lussuria does fit the matchmaker image... Aha, imagining him trying to get Yamamoto and Gokudera together is just hilarious :D

[melissa-42.livejournal.com]

Lussuria trying to hook up Goku and Yama:

Lussuria + Hahaha + dynamite to the face = makey-outy boyz. Or severe burns and singed hair.